Monday, September 20, 2004
Comparisons
Hmm....comparing my two most-recent experiences of being laid off....
This time the numb, totally-zombie-like feeling seems to have worn off much sooner.
I remember last time being a zombie for several days. Wandering around Union Square in SF (where I was on vacation when I found out I was going to be laid off) feeling like I had just entered some alternate universe. Walking into the shops, b/c that's what's at Union Square, and i didn't have energy to seek out other locales and sites, and feeling a sense of mourning b/c I knew I was going to be broke for a long time and wouldn't be able to buy anything, much less clothes, for the foreseeable future. Walking around Berkeley like a zombie. So much so that I tripped down a staircase and sprained my ankle, which subsequently led to my falling in an airport and dislocating my shoulder....so I came home from that trip laid off and laid up!
This time I felt zombie-like for maybe 36 hrs. I may have a return to zombie-ness later--especially as the work week goes on and I have nothing to take me out and about, but at least the initial zombie stage had worn off by Friday.
Maybe a big part of the difference is that in 2002 I didn't see it coming at all, whereas in 2004 I saw the writing on the wall. This time around I was hating my job and looking for a way out even before the axe fell.
Plus I don't feel the financial shock as much....b/c I've never regained my former standard of living. There has not been a moment since I moved out here where I have felt like I had any extra money to do anything frivolous with. I'm always weighing, "Do I really NEED this?!" whenever I buy anything. A decision the other day to buy a jar of jalapeno jelly for $3 felt like a huge indulgence. I've never been able to re-enter those metaphorical shops on Union Square. And yes, the same shops are here...they're at the Plaza at Del Mar, less than a mile from my apt....
Last time my layoff was the result of unintentional screw-ups by well-meaning but clueless volunteers running a church's building and stewadship campaigns w/ insufficiently firm guidance by the even more clueless rector, with a little help from the tanking economy.
This time it was the result of inept management and pure greed by a bunch of lawyers. All card-carrying Democrats, by the way, with Kerry stickers on their cars. That's disappointing. Support the party which cares about real people. But when it comes to a choice between keeping on a dedicated employee who makes $32,200 or keeping your own $500,000-700,000 annual salaries intact, they choose their salaries. Maybe they're really Republicans and just don't know it.
Another difference in the contexts. ....in 2002 I found out while on vacation, a vacation which to that moment had been wonderful and much-awaited. In 2004 I found out when exhausted, having not had a true vacation since that infamous one in 2002*. Right now some time off is feeling really good. In 2002 I was given (kindly!) tons of notice and thus had the often-awkward experience of having to work with and for the folks who had laid me off for months before the paychecks stopped. Talk about being a lame duck!!! In 2004 it was the classic "here are your walking papers, please turn in your keys, clean out your desk and leave the building" scenario. Much cleaner in a way. Though the money will run out much sooner this time. :-(
* My drive out here in 2003 was a sort of vacation, but since I was traveling alone, w/ tons of valuable stuff in my car, across 2000 miles, without cruise control, making my route up as I went, and racking up a credit card balance that still isn't paid off, it was not nearly as stress-free as a full-fledged vacation would have been. Though it was very inspiring and fulfilling in many ways. Looking at my photos from that drive makes it clear how long a year it's been since then--those photos feel like they were taken several years ago, not just 15 months ago!
Way past my bedtime now.....
This time the numb, totally-zombie-like feeling seems to have worn off much sooner.
I remember last time being a zombie for several days. Wandering around Union Square in SF (where I was on vacation when I found out I was going to be laid off) feeling like I had just entered some alternate universe. Walking into the shops, b/c that's what's at Union Square, and i didn't have energy to seek out other locales and sites, and feeling a sense of mourning b/c I knew I was going to be broke for a long time and wouldn't be able to buy anything, much less clothes, for the foreseeable future. Walking around Berkeley like a zombie. So much so that I tripped down a staircase and sprained my ankle, which subsequently led to my falling in an airport and dislocating my shoulder....so I came home from that trip laid off and laid up!
This time I felt zombie-like for maybe 36 hrs. I may have a return to zombie-ness later--especially as the work week goes on and I have nothing to take me out and about, but at least the initial zombie stage had worn off by Friday.
Maybe a big part of the difference is that in 2002 I didn't see it coming at all, whereas in 2004 I saw the writing on the wall. This time around I was hating my job and looking for a way out even before the axe fell.
Plus I don't feel the financial shock as much....b/c I've never regained my former standard of living. There has not been a moment since I moved out here where I have felt like I had any extra money to do anything frivolous with. I'm always weighing, "Do I really NEED this?!" whenever I buy anything. A decision the other day to buy a jar of jalapeno jelly for $3 felt like a huge indulgence. I've never been able to re-enter those metaphorical shops on Union Square. And yes, the same shops are here...they're at the Plaza at Del Mar, less than a mile from my apt....
Last time my layoff was the result of unintentional screw-ups by well-meaning but clueless volunteers running a church's building and stewadship campaigns w/ insufficiently firm guidance by the even more clueless rector, with a little help from the tanking economy.
This time it was the result of inept management and pure greed by a bunch of lawyers. All card-carrying Democrats, by the way, with Kerry stickers on their cars. That's disappointing. Support the party which cares about real people. But when it comes to a choice between keeping on a dedicated employee who makes $32,200 or keeping your own $500,000-700,000 annual salaries intact, they choose their salaries. Maybe they're really Republicans and just don't know it.
Another difference in the contexts. ....in 2002 I found out while on vacation, a vacation which to that moment had been wonderful and much-awaited. In 2004 I found out when exhausted, having not had a true vacation since that infamous one in 2002*. Right now some time off is feeling really good. In 2002 I was given (kindly!) tons of notice and thus had the often-awkward experience of having to work with and for the folks who had laid me off for months before the paychecks stopped. Talk about being a lame duck!!! In 2004 it was the classic "here are your walking papers, please turn in your keys, clean out your desk and leave the building" scenario. Much cleaner in a way. Though the money will run out much sooner this time. :-(
* My drive out here in 2003 was a sort of vacation, but since I was traveling alone, w/ tons of valuable stuff in my car, across 2000 miles, without cruise control, making my route up as I went, and racking up a credit card balance that still isn't paid off, it was not nearly as stress-free as a full-fledged vacation would have been. Though it was very inspiring and fulfilling in many ways. Looking at my photos from that drive makes it clear how long a year it's been since then--those photos feel like they were taken several years ago, not just 15 months ago!
Way past my bedtime now.....
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Day tripping
Today I took a day trip about an hour east of San Diego to Julian, to enjoy the Julian Bluegrass Festival. The music was very good; headliners were Chris Hillman and Herb Pedersen and The Reeltime Travelers. I had dinner, including the mandatory apple pie ala mode (Julian being most famous for its apple harvest and related pastries), in a cafe in historic and "'quaint" downtown Julian and then headed home.
While the music was lively and enjoyable, the day was most meaningful for me b/c it's the first time I've gone on a day trip outside the city of San Diego since I moved here. Julian is in the mountains (the town itself is at around 4,000 ft elev.) and it's amazing to me how quickly the terrain changes as you head east out of San Diego. It is just outside of Poway that one enters the hills. And once one does that, the "beach" feel of SD is utterly gone, and the surroundings are much more like the Appalachians, but with desert colors and western foliage. But the general topography is very similar to that of central Virginia, which is also a transition zone from ocean to mountains. Much of the drive felt very similar to the twisting turns on Va 231 between Cismont and Gordsonville while, driving into Santa Ysabel, I could have sworn I was somewhere along Va 15 between Gordonsville and Orange--I was having real flashes of deja vu until I looked more closely at the foliage. The cafe I had dinner in could easily be uprooted and placed somewhere along Rte 33 near Elkton, just below Harrisonburg, Va. And I'm sure Julian and Winchester could trade notes on how to celebrate the apple harvest.
There must be more of a connection than just visual, as the Julian Bluegrass Festival has a long history, and of course Bluegrass has its origins in the Appalachans. I must not be the first to note the similar feel of the two regions.
One of the major differences, however, was made clear as I noticed the still-visible damage from last year's massive forest fire, the "Cedar Fire." Though growth is coming back, there are still many barren and subtly blackened acres. While there are occasional forest fires in the Appalachians, the mountains out here are truly on the edge of a desert, and the foliage is tinder-like. All the Forest Dept warning signs today said the current fire risk is "Extreme." I suspect it' s been at that level for months.
Overall it was a very good day. Visually and culturally I felt like I'd suddenly been transported back East for a visit; I kept expecting to run into some of my friends from Charlottesville. Emotionally, it was an act of faith to take a Saturday and do nothing "productive" with regard to hunting for a job, and to spend a small amount of money on "entertainment" even though I am about to lose most of my income. By spending my time and money this way today, I was acting "as if" everything will work out alright, and in fairly short order.
While the music was lively and enjoyable, the day was most meaningful for me b/c it's the first time I've gone on a day trip outside the city of San Diego since I moved here. Julian is in the mountains (the town itself is at around 4,000 ft elev.) and it's amazing to me how quickly the terrain changes as you head east out of San Diego. It is just outside of Poway that one enters the hills. And once one does that, the "beach" feel of SD is utterly gone, and the surroundings are much more like the Appalachians, but with desert colors and western foliage. But the general topography is very similar to that of central Virginia, which is also a transition zone from ocean to mountains. Much of the drive felt very similar to the twisting turns on Va 231 between Cismont and Gordsonville while, driving into Santa Ysabel, I could have sworn I was somewhere along Va 15 between Gordonsville and Orange--I was having real flashes of deja vu until I looked more closely at the foliage. The cafe I had dinner in could easily be uprooted and placed somewhere along Rte 33 near Elkton, just below Harrisonburg, Va. And I'm sure Julian and Winchester could trade notes on how to celebrate the apple harvest.
There must be more of a connection than just visual, as the Julian Bluegrass Festival has a long history, and of course Bluegrass has its origins in the Appalachans. I must not be the first to note the similar feel of the two regions.
One of the major differences, however, was made clear as I noticed the still-visible damage from last year's massive forest fire, the "Cedar Fire." Though growth is coming back, there are still many barren and subtly blackened acres. While there are occasional forest fires in the Appalachians, the mountains out here are truly on the edge of a desert, and the foliage is tinder-like. All the Forest Dept warning signs today said the current fire risk is "Extreme." I suspect it' s been at that level for months.
Overall it was a very good day. Visually and culturally I felt like I'd suddenly been transported back East for a visit; I kept expecting to run into some of my friends from Charlottesville. Emotionally, it was an act of faith to take a Saturday and do nothing "productive" with regard to hunting for a job, and to spend a small amount of money on "entertainment" even though I am about to lose most of my income. By spending my time and money this way today, I was acting "as if" everything will work out alright, and in fairly short order.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Deja vu: out of work again
Well, Hilding Kipnis Lyon & Kelly laid me off yesterday. Called me into the office manager's office at 4:00 p.m. and told me that they didn't need my position any more. Gave me 2 weeks' severance plus cashed out my vacation pay; I cleaned out my semi-cube and left. While it sucks to not know how I'm going to pay my bills come 1 October, it's also a relief to be out of there. I would say the firm was horribly managed, but to even use the word "managed" of them in any way would be giving them too much credit. I slept in today and spent the afternoon at the beach, which was a wonderfully relaxing thing to do. Tonight I will make up a t0-do list to figure out the best way of attacking the problem of being unemployed. At least having some time off will allow me to get some stuff done that's just easier to do during the work day....an oil change on my car, an overdue dr's appt, etc.
